You marry for love, but an inability to agree on money matters may lead to the break-down of your relationship. You need to add financial intimacy to the emotional intimacy you already have, as well as agreed rules on bringing up the kids.

For my money, not being on the same page financially is a sure ticket to marital discord, if not divorce. Based on thousands of conversations with stressed-out spouses over the years-from newlyweds to couples working on their 20th anniversary– an inability to agree on money matters is one of the leading causes of broken-down relationships.

And it makes perfect sense. The simple truth is that money issues are with us every day.

For couples who are renting, there\'s the pressure to save up fast for a down payment-which is especially intense in this hot housing market-followed by the stress of trying to choose the right house. Meanwhile, couples these days have to contend with increasing gaps in their financing, the children’s school fees and upkeep, and the external family pressures and expectations. Then there\'s retirement to worry about. Sincerely speaking, there are so many areas where you and your significant other are surely not going to get by on love alone.

You get my point: money is front and centre in our lives. So if you and your partner aren\'t in financial sync, your marriage is going to be in deep trouble.

Your Money Vows

Here are my top three money vows all couples need to exchange and embrace. I don\'t care if you\'re married or not. Or if you\'ve been together 10 months or 10 years. If you can\'t agree on these financial basics you are living a life unnecessarily full of stress and discord. You both deserve better, don\'t you? Here\'s how to add financial intimacy to the emotional intimacy you already have.

No matter who earns what, we will equally share all money decisions.

Money has no power of its own, but we sure do make a mess of things by assigning it all sorts of power, especially in our relationships. The most damaging dynamic I see so often is when one partner makes a lot more than the other and on that basis is allowed to, or expected to, make all the couple\'s money decisions. That\'s relationship insanity. What relationship can thrive with that huge imbalance in power, not to mention the lack of respect that usually comes along with it?

This happens all the time with housewives. They think that they have to defer to the wage-earner in the family. Come on, Nigerians, a relationship is a partnership, not an employer/employee arrangement.

So if there is a stay-at-home parent in the family, you both need to acknowledge that you are equal partners in the family. Personally, and as far as I\'m concerned, the wage earner has the easier job. If society ever got its act together and put a monetary value on the work done by a stay-at-home parent, it would make a lot of mother’s millionaires.

In the meantime though, every stay-at-home parent should have the full respect of the wage-earning parent. That means you decide as a couple how to invest the money that is earned or saved or set aside for the retirement plan. As a couple you go over the monthly bills, so you both know where you stand. As a couple you decide whether now is a time to buy a new car, or to keep driving the one you have. You both should be equally engaged in all of the decisions.

I also think it is crucial for the stay-at-home parent to have a steady salary; by that I mean there should be a set amount automatically deposited on a weekly or monthly basis into a bank account for the stay-at-home parent. That way the stay-at-home parent is not put in the powerless position of having to constantly ask the wage-earning partner for money.

Another interesting cultural phenomenon that can create financial stress in a relationship revolves around the fact that so many of us are getting married, or settling into a long-term relationship, later in life. That means we bring years of financial independence into the relationship. And that can create difficulties over how to merge one\'s financial life with a partner. Especially when one of you happens to make a bit more than the other.

Please don\'t think that keeping everything separate is going to work. Or that you can just figure things out haphazardly. You need to merge your financial lives in a way that\'s both equitable and productive-and that requires a coordinated plan. Don\'t worry, in just a minute we\'ll talk about retaining some financial independence too, but that independence should be in addition to, not instead of, your united financial partnership as a household.

The best basis for a truly workable system is to go for equal shares, not equal portions, in dealing with your ongoing living costs. Let\'s say you bring home N40, 000 a month, and your partner brings in MN20, 000. And let\'s say your combined monthly living costs are N30, 000 a month. If you split it 50-50 (N15, 000 each), your share of the monthly rent would be just 37.5% of your take-home pay, but 75% of your partner\'s. What\'s fair and respectful about that?

So here\'s how you do it. Add up all your shared expenses; in this example that\'s N30, 000. Then add up your combined take-home pay; which here is N60, 000. So your combined expenses are 50% of your combined take-home pay. That means you each are to contribute 50% of your individual take-home pay to the pot. So for you that\'s N20, 000 and for your partner it\'s N10, 000. Equal shares, not equal amounts. That\'s fair and respectful, if you ask me.

We will be financially intimate and still retain our own financial identities.

It is absolutely imperative to merge some of your finances-and keeping everything separate hints at an underlying problem with trust - but it is equally important for you both to retain your own financial identities. I want you to have a shared bank account for handling all household expenses. But it\'s also important for you both to keep a bank account separately in your own names.

Every individual, no matter how much they love their partner, needs to maintain their own personal accounts. If you are widowed, or divorced, having your own account is going to make your financial life a whole lot easier. I hope you never have to deal with that possibility, but you know my mantra: hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Now, at the same time, you need to understand that when you formally marry, you and your spouse become equal partners in all your future debt. Any debt you had prior to the marriage is not merged when you marry. You are not responsible for a spouse\'s debt that was run up prior to the marriage. But all debt taken on during the marriage is yours as much as his or hers, regardless of who did the actual spending. So please, don\'t marry someone you know is a financial deadbeat. Don\'t make excuses for them, and don\'t think that it doesn\'t matter. It matters big time. Chances are, your financial life will be dragged down to the deadbeat\'s level.

In fact, there should be no \"I do\'s\" until you and your sweetie both appreciate the importance of living a financially responsible life. If your partner can\'t see the value in that, then you need to seriously question how this will play out in a marriage.

If you do find you are poles apart, it\'s time to dig in and work together to resolve any important differences. Don\'t attack. Help each other grow and learn, through calm conversations and a lot of listening. Quite often, people are financially irresponsible because they grew up watching their parents make all the wrong moves. So they simply never learned how to do things the right way. That\'s something you can be compassionate about, and help your honey to overcome.

We love each other so much, we will have a pre-nup agreement.

Okay, just hear me out on this one before you start accusing me of being cruelly unromantic.

Folks, it\'s time to face the facts: About 40% of marriages end in divorce. So, why is it so awful of me to suggest that you and your honey have a contingency plan? And please, spare me the “it shows I don\'t trust my partner if I say we need a prenupâ€ÂÂÂÂÂÂ� line. Because prenups are such an emotionally charged issue, I think it shows great love and respect  for each of you to want to look out for the other, should something go awry. And it is certainly not any kind of an admission that the relationship is doomed. It\'s simply a contingency agreement. If you ever decide to end the relationship, you will already know how you will handle the splitting of the finances and property during that emotionally trying time. I hope you never get to that point. But again, it\'s all about hoping for the best and planning for the worst.

Why a prenup in the Nigerian context? It sounds like a taboo and I agree but just pick any copy of city people and count how many marriages are thrown overboard on account of ‘crazy’ reasons that a prenup should have resolved. The idea may be foreign but it sure makes sense to set up one – just in case.

Besides, a prenup forces your hand a bit. It requires you and your honey to talk things through, and not take anything for granted, before you say your “I dos�. That\'s a really smart step to take; if there are any kinks that need to be worked out, you do the work before the marriage. It\'s another way to really get to know your partner.

I also think prenups are an absolute must for any couples where one or both parties have children from a previous marriage. If you have any asset from your earlier marriage that you want to keep separate from your new spouse, and leave to your children, then a prenup is going to help you spell out exactly what stays outside of the new marriage. A prenup is also a great way for one spouse to retain full ownership of any asset (or property) that may have been inherited.

There are a couple of logistic issues you need to address with a prenup. First, you both need your own lawyers. Second, the agreement should be signed weeks before the wedding. A prenup signed on the eve of a wedding can be a ground for a lot of trouble; a spouse can later claim they signed it under pressure, or that it was a crazy time and they didn\'t understand what they were agreeing to. That\'s an argument you definitely want to avoid.

Contributed by Deji Haastrup